2004-04-19 Mon
王子は奇跡的に命を繋いだ子です。その前に生まれてきたことが奇跡でした。わたしは元々の子宮内膜症も酷く、筋腫もあり、その他の要因もあって不妊症だったからです。
自分の性格を考えてゴールの見えない不妊治療は絶対に続けることは出来ないと思っていました。
幸いなことにわたしの方にもポチの方にも不妊症で苦しんで結局子供を持てなかった近い肉親がおりましたので、
双方の親戚は夫婦が仲良しなら子供だけが人生ではないという感じで、腫れ物に触るわけでもなく、
かといって傷つけられることもなく、普通に受け止めてもらっていたので、
商店街のおばちゃんおじちゃんたちのがよっぽど容赦なくまあ持つのを諦めるわけでもないけど居ない人生の計画を立てて(計画立てるの好きなんで)
そりゃ念願だった仕事についてバリバリ出張もして、ポチのお給料なんかも超えちゃったり、インセンティブも入ったり天職に着いたわけですが、
いよいよってくらいに起動に乗った時に奇跡的に自然妊娠したのでした。
妊娠4週間未満で妊娠に気がついたわたしに銀座のクリニックの先生は「アナタ女のプロね」と言ってくれて大笑いしながら、とにかく震えちゃうくらいに嬉しかったです。
どうにも仕事と子育ては両立しない仕事で(子供を見てくれる肉親がそばに居ないので)本当に泣きながら退職したけども最後までわたしを買ってくれていた上司が(産まないことは選択できないか?といわれても嫌じゃなかったくらいに引き立てて育ててくれた上司で＜女性なんです)
生まれたとの報告をすると、海外での迷信にのっとって某有名店で銀のスプーンを贈ってくれました。
メッセージには「大きくなったらいつでも戻っておいでね」と書いてありいっぱい嬉しくて泣きました。
奇跡の子なのですからそりゃ可愛くって、産まれたときだってこんなにカワイイ赤ちゃんは見たことないって言われちゃうくらいに器量もよくって、
バカ親丸出しで王子ラブラブで・・・・・。
本当に可愛くて目を離すのも嫌で、抱いてない時間があるなんて考えたくないくらいにずーっと抱っこしてて幸せで・・・子供ってこんなにも可愛くて愛しくて、そしてわたしを必用としてくれている。
至福の時。
元々愛情が濃く自家中毒を起こすくらいのわたしですから、子供を持つ上での恐怖は溺愛で子供自身の心を殺してしまうこと。
男の子ですし、ある年齢になったら距離を置いて完璧に子離れしなくてはいけない。
そこのことだけが悩みでした。
ですから、何も心配なくただただ愛情を注いでめいっぱいお世話するだけでいい生まれてからの数ヶ月はわたしにとって王子との蜜月です。
一生の中での数ヶ月。
めいっぱい楽しもうって思っていた時の発病でした。
生まれて75日。2ヶ月。
「生きてることが奇跡ですから」
そんなことを言われたって信じることは出来ない。
実母が脳腫瘍で入院していた病院に(実母は中１の時に結局帰らぬ人となりました)息子が入院している。
しかも同じ脳外科で同じように変らないソフォーに座って考えるのは取らないで欲しい返して欲しいってことだけ。
でも王子は奇跡の子でした。
奇跡的に命をとり止め、奇跡的に脳には障害は残ったけど代償行為っていうヤツで他の脳が機能の肩代わりをしてくれて、
健常の子と変らずにもしかしたらそれ以上に元気にすくすく成長してくれました。
王子は運がいい。
だってね本当に可愛いくって愛しいんだよ。
今日病院で詳しい説明を受けてきました。
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